The morning report

11 July 2013 § Leave a comment

11 July

Gives you the long and the short.  Not a tale I distort.

“Meth lab found at Kingsport motel.”

“Kingsport man faces attempted murder charge.”

“Opening statements heard in murder trial.”

[In a handwriting-like typeset that nearly induced tears] “Wedding, cheating wife help disrupt South’s efforts.”  (Y’all, only the most breaking news from 1863 for us.  So breaking, in fact, that the full article is published only in the print edition.  This may cause subscriptions to skyrocket.)

“Grant aims to fight area’s ranking as America’s 10th most overweight.”  Yes, the Bristol/Kingsport area has a serious eating disorder, distinguished mostly by an inability to stop eating.  Luckily, we now have a (General) Grant who will wage war against this ranking!  (And who doesn’t love General Grant?)  Apparently, $7500 will actually make people walk.  It must be a mysterious process, but I have no doubt about its efficacy.  Benefits: I will feel less inclined to scream in disbelief/terror when running errands.  Drawbacks: during a mass kidnapping, I will have a much narrower margin of escape-victory over most of the town.  Walkers (see also: The Walking Dead) will receive tracking logs and “goal setting devices” (also known variously as refrigerator locks and self-control).  Those who walk the prescribed amount receive prizes at the end of two months.  Rumour has it that these prizes are chocolate cake!

This rather strengthens my resolve never to read the Kingsport Times-News.  Where are the front-page photographs of people walking along the greenbelt and the latest botanical happenings?*  I confess myself gravely disappointed.

*Edit: after flipping to the article about the meth lab, I found a photograph of two children cycling on the greenbelt.  Sigh of relief.

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